Notes from Laura

• Lean forward and look into her eyes
• Inquire by saying, “Tell me more”
• Stop interrupting with your “answers”
• Tell her what you heard her say and ask if you are right
• Express comfort: “I am sorry for how you have suffered”
• Never look at your watch while she is talking

Reader’s Digest announced the results of their annual survey on marriage and came up with some interesting results. Here are the key findings:

• 71% of married spouses said they would marry their spouse AGAIN
• 62% of all married spouses said they loved their partners MORE NOW than when they married them.
• The five most important factors for a good marriage were trust, having fun talking and laughing, compatibility, quality of sex and frequency of sex.
• 47% of all men said their wives were funnier than they had expected when they got married.
• When asked what they most missed from being single, some of the frequent responses were “living by own rules”, “being more adventurous sexually”.

Forty percent said they missed nothing about being single.

• Love will grow between you and your wife
• You and your wife will resist temptation to stray
• You will practice mutual respect for one another
• The two of you will not live separate lives
• You will be friends as well as lovers
• You will work together as a team
• There will be no divorce in your home

Some couples think they should live together now and learn how to get along before they decide if marriage will work. They think they will have a better chance of a good marriage because they already “practiced” by living together first.

There are more couples living together now than over the last 40 years. Almost two out of five dating couples live together. A lot of them want to get married some day.

We know living together happens a lot. Research shows that living together first does not always help. Divorce and unhappy marriages happen more when couples live together before marriage. We found some reasons why:

• Couples who live together first may be less sure that marriage is right for them. When things get tough they may not work as hard to save their relationship.

• Couples who live together may not be as loyal to each other and their relationship. They do not become more committed just because they get married. It appears that some men who live with their wives before getting married are less dedicated to their spouses before and after getting married.

A survey showed that married people who lived together before they got married did not do as good as married couples who did not live together first. People who lived together before they were married were not as happy in their marriages. They were not as committed to their partners. They were more likely to think about divorce. They also reported having more fights with each other. It was the same for couples in their first marriage as well as people who were remarried.

You may want to re-think living together first if you want to have a happy, committed, and lasting marriage. That choice may not have the result you hope for.

The Five Love Languages

• WORDS OF AFFIRMATION Compliments, words of encouragement,
and requests rather than demands affirm the self-worth
of your spouse.

• QUALITY TIME Spending quality time together through
sharing, listening, and participating in joint
meaningful activities communicates that we
truly care for and enjoy each other.

• RECEIVING GIFTS Gifts are tangible symbols of love,
whether they are items you purchased or made or are
merely your own presence made available to your spouse.
Gifts demonstrate that you care, and they represent
the value of the relationship.

• ACTS OF SERVICE Criticism of your spouse’s failure to
do things for you may be an indication that
“acts of service” is your primary love language.
Acts of service should never be coerced but should be
freely given, and completed as requested.

• PHYSICAL TOUCH Physical touch, as a gesture of love,
reaches to the depths of our being. As a love language,
it is a powerful form of communication — from the
smallest touch on the shoulder to the most passionate kiss.

(I highly reccomend you read this book and discover what your love language is, your spouses, and your children’s love languages are. It is worth the read.)

Condensed from The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman,
Copyright © 1992 by Moody Press. Used with Permission.

According to Lewis Smedes, the late professor of theology at Fuller Theological Seminary, “A man or woman can be just too busy, too tired, too timid, too prudent, or too hemmed in with fear to be seriously tempted by an affair. but this same person can be a bore at home, callous to the delicate needs of his partner. He or she may be too prudish to be an adventuresome lover, but too cowardly to be in honest communication and too busy to put himself out for anything other than a routine ritual or personal commitment.”

Professor Smedes shows us being “unfaithful” is not just a matter of being physically intimate with someone other than our spouse. He is saying that faithfulness has a great deal to do with our state of mind and our attitude towards our spouse.

Considering his thoughts on faithfulness, here are a couple of questions: Although we have never cheated on our spouse by being intimately involved with someone else, have we cheated our spouse by withholding ourselves sexually and emotionally from them? Even though we may not have cheated on our spouses by engaging in an adulterous affair, have we robbed them by allowing our marriage and our sexual relationship to sink into mediocrity and routine?

• Your wife needs you to be the spiritual leader of your home

• Your wife needs you to be her teammate in raising
the kids and taking care of the home

• Your wife needs you to treat her like a princess

• Your wife needs you to communicate with her

• Your wife needs her friends and needs you to allow her
time with the girls, but ultimately she wants you to
be her best friend

• Your wife needs you to be a “triple A” encourager by
giving her appreciation, affirmation, and admiration

• Your wife needs to feel emotionally filled before she
desires to be sexually involved

• Your wife needs you to understand that there are
some things you will never understand. This doesn’t
make either of you right or wrong - just different

Adapted from Capture Her Heart
Copyright © 2002 by Lysa Terkeurst

• Complain about spending time with her
• Yawn and complain of being tired
• Listen to her only during commercial breaks
• Say “No, not really” when she asks if you want to talk
• Say “Nothing” when she asks what’s on your mind
• Forget to notice her new haircut

(What else can you come up with?)

Say “I’m Sorry” (and really mean it) whenever you…

• Are wrong.
• Are rude.
• Are defensive.
• Are impatient.
• Are negative.
• Are hurtful.
• Are insensitive.
• Are forgetful.
• Are confused or confusing.
• Have neglected, ignored, or overlooked something
important to the one you love.
• Have damaged, misused, or impaired something that
is not yours (even if it was an accident).
• Have not said “I’m Sorry” as sincerely and quickly
as the situation warranted.

Almost half of U.S. college students dabble one time too many in alcohol, marijuana, sedatives, painkillers and stimulants – they might call it freedom and independence, but they are risking their lives.

The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University released a repot this Thursday that presents some startling information. About 1.8 million students met the medical criteria for substance abuse or dependence in 2005, 2 1/2 times the national level.

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